You’ve just spent the evening making your child’s favorite dinner. You set aside your own exhaustion to play a game, help with homework, and tuck them into bed. Instead of a “thank you” or a hug, you’re met with eye rolls, slammed doors, or silence.

It stings. You’ve given so much love, stability, opportunities and yet the appreciation you hope for just doesn’t come.

If you’ve felt this way, you’re not alone. Many caregivers of children from trauma experience the same thing. The truth is, children who’ve lived through trauma often struggle to show gratitude. It isn’t because they don’t care. It’s because their brains and hearts are still focused on survival, not reflection.

Why Gratitude Feels Hard for Children from Trauma

1. Survival comes first.
   Trauma wires the brain to scan for danger. When children live in survival mode, their energy goes toward protecting themselves, not noticing or expressing appreciation.
2. Gratitude feels complicated.
   Children may carry grief, shame, or divided loyalty toward their birth family. Saying “thank you” to a caregiver can feel confusing or even disloyal, even when they feel safe and cared for.
3. Healing is a slow process.
   Trauma interrupts normal development. What comes naturally to other children, like expressing thankfulness, may take years to develop for a child who has experienced loss, neglect, or abuse.

What Gratitude Might Really Look Like

Even when words aren’t spoken, children often show appreciation in small, powerful ways:

• Letting you comfort them when they’re upset
  
• Accepting affection in their own unique way
  
• Testing boundaries (a way of checking if love really lasts)
  
• Beginning to relax, laugh, or play with you
  

These behaviors may not look like gratitude, but they are signs of growing trust and connection.

Shifting the Focus: From Gratitude to Connection

Children don’t need to feel grateful to heal. What they need is:

• Consistency – predictable routines and boundaries
  
• Nurture – compassion and patience when they test limits
  
• Connection – small moments of joy, laughter, and togetherness
  

When we release the expectation of gratitude and instead focus on connection, we free children from pressure and give them space to truly heal.

It’s normal to want appreciation—it means you care deeply. But remember: a lack of gratitude doesn’t mean your child doesn’t value you. It means their journey isn’t about thankfulness yet; it’s about learning to feel safe, loved, and secure again.

One day, gratitude may come in words, actions, or quiet moments of trust. Even if it doesn’t, the gift you’re giving is immeasurable: a chance for a child to grow up knowing safety, stability, and love.

Practical Tips for You to Use

If you feel discouraged by a lack of gratitude, here are a few ways to care for yourself along the way:

• Reframe “thank you.” Notice small signs of trust or affection as hidden gratitude.
  
• Seek support. Join caregiver groups where others understand these unique challenges.
  
• Practice self-compassion. Remind yourself that the lack of appreciation is not personal (QTIP), it’s part of trauma’s impact.
  
• Celebrate progress. Keep track of the small wins: moments of connection, laughter, or calm.
  
• Fill your own cup. Take breaks, pursue your own joy, and lean on supportive friends and family.
  

 Caregiving after trauma isn’t about raising grateful children; it’s about raising children who believe in love and belonging again.